Swimmingly Messy

Was going to delete this blog all together tonight. It has been a long time since I've had any thought of putting words down on cyberspace - only comments on other HEAVENLY, LIFE SAVING BLOGS like Breed em and weep, sweet and salty, Cheerio Road, Superhero and motherhood uncensored. So, here I am tonight, spontaneously spouting:

I am okay.

I have scraped away so many grimy layers of grief, shame, pain, anger that I feel lighter. And you know what I have to thank for this levity? Divorce.

See, I have been a slave to the right way, the right path, the appropriate measure of life. I never realized how grossly attached I was to not failing, not hitting the financial wall, not looking bad, not being a single parent, not losing my mind.

But just about all of it happened - and then some. And, at the end of it all, I'm actually pretty okay.

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Timing couldn't be better...just as I type the above post, oldest child comes in EXHAUSTED from long friend visit and needing something (should be in bed, was probably doing shadow puppets with hands for past hour when should have been sleeping - and needing to "poop".). Mommy Dearest takes over: Short, angry, pursed lipped commands, "You GO poop and then you GO to bed!" I then kitchen sink it to the four year old. The poor little critter can really be my emotional scratching post (am I taking from Eat Pray Love?).

Then, after I have commanded her to fetal position with eyes sealed shut out of fear of more mommy torture, I leave the room only to return to apologize and kiss lovingly. Poor thing.

So, I am still doing alright. Actually, less the child torture (and some other things that I just can't recall at this moment), I am doing swimmingly. In all my mess.