3 for only days...

So, Baby...It hit me like a wall of bricks today:

You are 3 for only a few more weeks and your small, child-ness is drawing to an end. Let's face it, I've got another school year with your precious "leetle" hoot of a self. After that, you are launched into the elementary school BIG TIME, Babe.

And, as I write this, my heart breaks. What is it like to be 3 and have your world change? To be 3 and have your mommy and daddy be separate? What does it feel like to say to your mommy, "I want you to marry someone else that I like"? (And where on EARTH did you come up with that line!?)

Oh tears. Oh heartbreak. I can't help but wonder in the darkness of night: am I making you miserable? Is all my grown up bullshit weighing your Hoot-of-a-self down? Are you thinking, "This Woman Sucks"!?

How can I, someone who has made such a big blow out of a marriage tell you how to grow up to be a good person?

AM I SQUELCHING YOUR JOY!???

I am sad, Sugar. I am tired. I have failed. I am walking grief right now, but as a mom, I try to couch a lot of it until the night. But some of it leaks through...

And, in the midst of it all, everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) falls head over heals in love with you when they meet you. They do. Really. They do. You have created this little village of love, admiration and support.

Are we going to be okay? I think we just may...:)

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This was written a few weeks ago right before two days of mediation - custody and finances. My gremlins love to pull at my soul these nights. The words I wrote were true at the time. And, those shadows still seem to loom and bob about here and there during the day. But for the most part, I know like I know, that we are good and we are right.

See, we are going to be okay. This time for me is loving life more than anything in the face of despair. I have never owned joy more than I do now, and, more than anything, I wish this for you, Ava. May you own your joy - because you deserve it.

So, maybe my biggest gift to you for this 4th Birthday will be an example of what it means to live in joy.