What is normal!?

When going through a divorce with children in tow, I am finding myself asking more times than not, "Is this normal?". The children's behavior, I mean.

Frankly, the little one seems pretty steady Eddy in the emotions range (besides the normal toddler things). It's the big girl. My already sensitive and high energy child. The child who, tonight, looks out the car window and says, "Who is in heaven right now?". The child when going to bed, puts on such a fight with me, and ends up crying at least two times during the process (and I mean head thrown back in Snoopy Wail form). I am tired, exhausted and, quite frankly anxious myself.

Is this normal behavior for my child? I suddenly find myself daydreaming about all of the other families out there who are quietly tucking their babes in bed as they smile that comforted smile at one another - that last look of, "This is HOME and I am LOVED".

Now, I've had those nights I'm sure, but for the most part it just seems like nighttime is a battle zone and we all end the day in so out of sorts.

Now, the higher self in me knows that yes, we may have some tweaking to do on the bedtime front, but all in all my little babes are screaming with the rest of the families out there. Normal kid stuff.

But, there is that little voice inside, whispering ever so respectfully,

"Are you sure they are really okay? They don't look okay to me."

Is there anybody out there???

I found myself scouring the Shutter Sisters website for the biographies of any of their inspiring contributors who could...happen...to be...divorced...with kids...and inspiring.

And, alas, they were all inspiring, fantastic, grateful and happy...with kids....and married. Each and every one of them - I believe.

Now, I don't want to sound bitter, because I don't want to be sounding or feeling that way. I am sad, really, more than anything. But perhaps there is a little bitterness in there.

Each of the women are mindblowingly wonderful - in that "can we just go grab a cup of coffee and really talk forever" kind of way. One of them IS a dear friend and inspiring in every way. And did I mention SHE is married.

And yet, as I read each of the fabulously witty and intelligent blogs, the higher self in me knows...to the core...that we all share the same pain. It just comes packaged different in these little earth suits and scripts we were given here on earth. It all has the same theme really: love in the midst of fear, heartbreak and change. It's all there for everyone really. We just have different paths in getting there.

So, a big part of me is mourning today. Most definitely mourning. But aren't we all in some way?

So how can I honor the sad truth of myself, while rising above the ashes anew? I am doing it in large strides, tiny trips and skips each day. I think I needed to stand still a little tonight and just feel...

Single Mom.

period. on my forehead.

that's it. am i the only single mom out there confused, strong, embarrassed, strong, holding back tears, strong, is this my life?, strong, how did i get on the wrong bus?, strong.

i guess i am starting this to put it all down. get it out. and hopefully heal and share.

is anybody out there. any other moms who 'had it all', but new that the biggest lie was the marriage?

i do 'have it all' now. lovely babes, that are gifts from god, that i must raise as i find myself again.