Swimmingly Messy

Was going to delete this blog all together tonight. It has been a long time since I've had any thought of putting words down on cyberspace - only comments on other HEAVENLY, LIFE SAVING BLOGS like Breed em and weep, sweet and salty, Cheerio Road, Superhero and motherhood uncensored. So, here I am tonight, spontaneously spouting:

I am okay.

I have scraped away so many grimy layers of grief, shame, pain, anger that I feel lighter. And you know what I have to thank for this levity? Divorce.

See, I have been a slave to the right way, the right path, the appropriate measure of life. I never realized how grossly attached I was to not failing, not hitting the financial wall, not looking bad, not being a single parent, not losing my mind.

But just about all of it happened - and then some. And, at the end of it all, I'm actually pretty okay.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Timing couldn't be better...just as I type the above post, oldest child comes in EXHAUSTED from long friend visit and needing something (should be in bed, was probably doing shadow puppets with hands for past hour when should have been sleeping - and needing to "poop".). Mommy Dearest takes over: Short, angry, pursed lipped commands, "You GO poop and then you GO to bed!" I then kitchen sink it to the four year old. The poor little critter can really be my emotional scratching post (am I taking from Eat Pray Love?).

Then, after I have commanded her to fetal position with eyes sealed shut out of fear of more mommy torture, I leave the room only to return to apologize and kiss lovingly. Poor thing.

So, I am still doing alright. Actually, less the child torture (and some other things that I just can't recall at this moment), I am doing swimmingly. In all my mess.

What is normal!?

When going through a divorce with children in tow, I am finding myself asking more times than not, "Is this normal?". The children's behavior, I mean.

Frankly, the little one seems pretty steady Eddy in the emotions range (besides the normal toddler things). It's the big girl. My already sensitive and high energy child. The child who, tonight, looks out the car window and says, "Who is in heaven right now?". The child when going to bed, puts on such a fight with me, and ends up crying at least two times during the process (and I mean head thrown back in Snoopy Wail form). I am tired, exhausted and, quite frankly anxious myself.

Is this normal behavior for my child? I suddenly find myself daydreaming about all of the other families out there who are quietly tucking their babes in bed as they smile that comforted smile at one another - that last look of, "This is HOME and I am LOVED".

Now, I've had those nights I'm sure, but for the most part it just seems like nighttime is a battle zone and we all end the day in so out of sorts.

Now, the higher self in me knows that yes, we may have some tweaking to do on the bedtime front, but all in all my little babes are screaming with the rest of the families out there. Normal kid stuff.

But, there is that little voice inside, whispering ever so respectfully,

"Are you sure they are really okay? They don't look okay to me."

Let it GO...

Tonight I held my babes' head in my arms, rubbed her hot, wet cheeks and whispered, "Let it go tonight. Stop thinking and let it go...".

And so shall I. A mother's wisdom from within that I can cast upon myself this evening.

Let it go...Let it go...Let it go...

Angels falling from the skies...

...like shooting stars. Like the quiet morning after a snowstorm, where you hear the pods of snow falling off the tree limbs all around you. Poof! There's one... Poof poof! A couple more. They all shower down in waves and I am in the middle of a big one.

Poof! I am letting go and little twinkly surprises are everywhere. Poof! Angels are showing up on my doorstep baring friends for my children, food and wisdom. Poof! Seasoned souls enter who have wise and rich stories to tell of their colorful and imperfect lives. Poof Poof! I receive notice of a gift...a bound edition of comfort to meander through when I need it most. Never won a thing in my life and Poof! I did today.

What is most profound, however, are the inspirational and tragic stories that I have been encountering lately. What is amazing is that in them, I really don't hold on to the tragedy and sadness caught in the trappings of the hardship. I am drawn to the spirit that is deep within. That is what I see in all of these people. Their souls are clear as can be and the beauty of it all just glows. Poof!

I am letting go now of my wallowing. It felt good to marinate in it for a while. But, I am starting to feel pickled, and that just doesn't serve me in the long haul. It takes discipline to not take a seat in the wallowing chair, but in the end I get to see the glow as I practice being still.

I guess it really is true. Hold steady. Let go. Stop the wallowing and just left it unfold. Notice notice notice the truest miracles that are right in front of you.

3 for only days...

So, Baby...It hit me like a wall of bricks today:

You are 3 for only a few more weeks and your small, child-ness is drawing to an end. Let's face it, I've got another school year with your precious "leetle" hoot of a self. After that, you are launched into the elementary school BIG TIME, Babe.

And, as I write this, my heart breaks. What is it like to be 3 and have your world change? To be 3 and have your mommy and daddy be separate? What does it feel like to say to your mommy, "I want you to marry someone else that I like"? (And where on EARTH did you come up with that line!?)

Oh tears. Oh heartbreak. I can't help but wonder in the darkness of night: am I making you miserable? Is all my grown up bullshit weighing your Hoot-of-a-self down? Are you thinking, "This Woman Sucks"!?

How can I, someone who has made such a big blow out of a marriage tell you how to grow up to be a good person?

AM I SQUELCHING YOUR JOY!???

I am sad, Sugar. I am tired. I have failed. I am walking grief right now, but as a mom, I try to couch a lot of it until the night. But some of it leaks through...

And, in the midst of it all, everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) falls head over heals in love with you when they meet you. They do. Really. They do. You have created this little village of love, admiration and support.

Are we going to be okay? I think we just may...:)

*******************************

This was written a few weeks ago right before two days of mediation - custody and finances. My gremlins love to pull at my soul these nights. The words I wrote were true at the time. And, those shadows still seem to loom and bob about here and there during the day. But for the most part, I know like I know, that we are good and we are right.

See, we are going to be okay. This time for me is loving life more than anything in the face of despair. I have never owned joy more than I do now, and, more than anything, I wish this for you, Ava. May you own your joy - because you deserve it.

So, maybe my biggest gift to you for this 4th Birthday will be an example of what it means to live in joy.

Is there anybody out there???

I found myself scouring the Shutter Sisters website for the biographies of any of their inspiring contributors who could...happen...to be...divorced...with kids...and inspiring.

And, alas, they were all inspiring, fantastic, grateful and happy...with kids....and married. Each and every one of them - I believe.

Now, I don't want to sound bitter, because I don't want to be sounding or feeling that way. I am sad, really, more than anything. But perhaps there is a little bitterness in there.

Each of the women are mindblowingly wonderful - in that "can we just go grab a cup of coffee and really talk forever" kind of way. One of them IS a dear friend and inspiring in every way. And did I mention SHE is married.

And yet, as I read each of the fabulously witty and intelligent blogs, the higher self in me knows...to the core...that we all share the same pain. It just comes packaged different in these little earth suits and scripts we were given here on earth. It all has the same theme really: love in the midst of fear, heartbreak and change. It's all there for everyone really. We just have different paths in getting there.

So, a big part of me is mourning today. Most definitely mourning. But aren't we all in some way?

So how can I honor the sad truth of myself, while rising above the ashes anew? I am doing it in large strides, tiny trips and skips each day. I think I needed to stand still a little tonight and just feel...

Heartbreak

I never got a chance to miss you…

I never had a chance to long

I never had a chance for sweet heartbreak

For you were what I knew not

So I never got a chance to miss you

Never needed to mourn

I just had run and hide

From love to numb so to survive

And now I am alone

But far from lonely

For I am returned to myself again.